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Converge! Yea. Mastodon! Yeaaaaa. Dethklok. YEAAAAAA!
Oh man. I get to the show and quickly start to notice a trend….
That’s a cool black Mastodon t-shirt, I think to myself. Wow, look at that black Dethklok shirt. Is that a black Barbie t-shirt? Goddamn! Do metal bands make any other color shirts? According to the merch booth, no, they do not.
I must have missed the memo as I show up in my gray Unearth tee.
I know why they wear all black! For when half of a gigantic Jagermeister shot (it pays to take care of your bartenders kids) drips down the side of your mouth and dribbles onto your fucking shirt! Luckily the lights are going down, Converge is getting ready to assault the stage and I’m getting too drunk to care anymore. Lead singer Jacob Bannon is an energetic force the entire set. Carrying the live performance with manic vocals, he laps across the stage with veins pumping out of his head. He does his best to stir up the crowd, but they don’t seem to be interested. I couldn’t figure it out… Are they waiting for….. ::rumble:: Mastodon?
I am taking this break in between bands to eagerly await my next $14 bud draft and Jager shot combo. Did I tell you about tipping well? I just drank a shot that could choke a horse. Holy shit. I plow through my beer fast enough to get back to periphery of the crowd, but you can’t see shit from here and I have to take pictures too. The front of the stage is blocked by sweaty youths. My only alternative? ENTER….THE….PIT.
Fuck you, you fat bastard! ::ELBOW:: Why is a girl in the pit? ::FACE PALM:: Is that adult latino man 4 feet 11 inches tall? ::LEAPFROG:: I’m beginning to love going to shows in L.A., as I can see over nearly everyone. Jockeying for space in the front of the crowd becomes difficult as while I would normally be pushing people in the back and shoulders. I end up half punching these midgets in the head instead. Whoops. Screw’em. Mastodon are already 2 songs deep and they kick ass. Guitarist/Singer Brett Hinds is going to be a crazy, old man someday. That guy doesn’t care about anything besides ripping on guitar and making sure he is alcoholically imbibed. They tear through old and new songs with ease. Bassist Troy Saunders kinda looks like he has muppet lips when he sings. Is it his beard outline or am I that drunk?
I realize that I am that drunk as I go to take a picture and get my camera knocked out of my vice- like grip. Some guy doing his best Jerry Rice impersonation catches that shit without even knowing it was coming. Insane! You had to see it.
Uh oh. I thought I might make it through a show without seeing these guys, but there they are. I run into the “I work out a lot, like to keep my shirt off, don’t like to have a neck and will not alter my path to avoid contact with other concertgoer” douchebags. My kingdom for a cattle prod!
Another break in the action and I find some dude dressed up as Dr. Rockzo from Metalocalypse. Hillarious. Even got his autograph. Back to the bar? Yes. I get my usual combo and decide to check out the lounge area. There seems to be an unsecured door in the back. Oh, is this where you keep all of your beer stored Palladium? :: evil laugh :: Don’t mind if I do! I spread the word to some fellow drinkers, but they arrive too late. Dethklok’s opening vid has started and I am nowhere near the stage. Let’s fix that shall we?
I use my trusty, get to the front of the stage, pit maneuver and I am back in action. I’m not sure what it is about this crowd, but for a bunch of sweaty dudes, you guys smell great! Lot’s of good deodorant here. Dethklok is tearing it up. They have a video show behind them and the lights are lower than usual. Brendan Small is one talented dude. Handling vocals and guitar he flawlessly plays one Metalocalypse hit after the other. During breaks between songs he alternates between normal stage banter and doing characters from the show. Funny shit. A video interlude at about the halfway mark takes a jab at normal, concert procedures in comedic fashion. “Mermaider” gets the crowd chanting as the lyrics are projected on the screen. Luckily I know the song because I am seeing more than double, but less than triple. Trouble?
No. Everything is fine. I sweated out most of the booze being in the first 4-5 rows of people. Name another reviewer that gets deep in the crowd like that! The show is over and I had a blast. I’m sweaty, my back kind of hurts from the elbows and jostling, I’m tipsy and it was awesome.
Too bad for anyone that missed out that this tour is over. Get yourself out to a show and remember these 3 things:
1) Keep your fucking shirt on, you muscle-headed, no neck-having, fuck.
2) Get drunk as soon and as consistently as possible. Tipping well will accelerate this.
3) If you are in L.A., the best place to be is in the front of the stage. If you are elsewhere, you might want to hold your nose.