Archive for the ‘climate change’ Category

Congress and Climate Change

November 18, 2009

Written By: Garry Cooper

Vowing to vote against the climate change bill, the Senate’s foremost global warming denier, Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) pointed out that even on the slight chance that global warming does exist, “It would be part of God’s plan and not for us to interfere with.” Inhofe, quoting “science experts,” insisted that if global warming were real, “it would function in conjunction with those flurocarbon things to create upward pressure that would open up that hole in the ozone layer even more that everyone seems so worried about. Not only would that function as a kind of chimney vent to let out all this real polluting stuff like impure thoughts and pornography, but then God’s light would pour through even brighter and bathe our entire planet.”

Asked which science experts he was quoting, Inhofe replied, “Lots of them, and Sarah Palin says so too.”

Inhofe’s assertions were backed by Representative John Shimkus (R-IL), who has pointed out that there was more carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere during the age of dinosaurs and that the Earth did just fine back then. Shimkus, noted primarily for backing every coal industry bill and for walking out during President Obama’s last joint address to Congress, (a political rival, Danny Stover, noted that “For me, the problem is not that Congressman Shimkus walks out during the President’s speech but that he keeps coming back in”) pointed out that not every scientist is bound by what they see in the laboratory. “Some of the greatest science has started with speculation,” he said, “And speculation comes directly from God.”

Ticker Tape

July 7, 2009

More details emerged today of the final minutes in the life of music superstar Michael Jackson. As paramedics urgently tried to put an oxygen mask on the pop star, who was suffering cardiac arrest, they had difficulty fitting it over the two young boys who were attached to his face. Minutes later, paramedics attempted CPR but it was too late.

“All I got for my trouble was plastic shards stuck to my face,” said one paramedic…..

The United States House of Representatives passed the dramatic climate bill by a narrow margin of 212-209, “When the time came to do something too small to save the world, a slim majority of us stepped up to the plate,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “This is something every American can be proud of.”

The passage of the bill was attributed to a last minute compromise by House Republicans, who agreed to vote for an even more watered down version of the bill in exchange for a provision to sell buffalo robes this winter to those who can’t afford higher heating bills. Asked why for the first time they showed concern for financially strapped Americans, House Minority Leader John Boehner waved a fat contract which gives Haliburton the right to slaughter all buffalo in the United States and sell the hides to the government at a 400 percent markup.

“Even Haliburton has gotten aboard the climate change movement,” said Boehner, “By agreeing to slash their usual profit margin in half. This is a win-win situation. Everyone benefits, from big business to those poor people who can afford to buy buffalo robes. And with the buffalo gone, our nation’s oil drillers won’t have to worry about stepping in poop as they continue to drill for oil in our prairies.”