The Chicago Cubs today ended what began as a bold new experiment by firing this season’s new hitting coach, Jesus Christ.
“We thought at the beginning of the season that we hired not just the best but the only man who could teach players like Alfonso Soriano to stop swinging at pitches ten feet above his stupid goddamned head the few times we happen to get men on base,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry, “But even Christ couldn’t do it.”
Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who originally supported the hiring of Jesus Christ, tried to disassociate himself from the now disgraced hitting coach.
“I thought when Hendry told me he was hiring Jesus we were getting some guy from the Dominican Republic,” he said, “I had no idea it was Christ Himself. Clearly He was the wrong man for the job. All season our hitters have been standing at the plate thinking they’ve got to be nice to the pitcher and not hit the poor little ball.”
A visibly shaken Christ met with reporters after learning about his firing.
“I’m not used to failing at something,” He said.
Asked how he felt, Christ responded, “I thought I knew everything about suffering there was to know, but after two months with this team, I’ve experienced suffering I’d never even dreamed about.”
CWG Magazine 