Archive for the ‘alex g smith’ Category

Wait… You Aren’t the Only One in His Universe?

July 21, 2009

Written By: Alex G. Smith

So you make it to the first date of coffee and lunch. You indulge in dinner dates, movies, and flawless conversation and you think, “Wow, this guy is too good to be true. I’ve finally found Mr. Right.” Everything seems to be going so well—then you catch his peripheral vision checking out another girl.

Living in Los Angeles has its good and bad, pros and cons. You can order delivery at one in the morning, and there is always something to do regardless of how much money you have. However, living in metropolitan cities, including New York and Los Angeles, have underlying drawbacks. When you’re single, you might enjoy embracing the club scenes, nightlife, and are just looking to have a good time. But when you’ve been with someone long enough to develop something resembling a semblance of feeling, it suddenly feels like every woman who walks down the street is a model or actress—point is, their all very attractive.

Now, my experience in this field is based on an event that happened a few years ago. I was younger, but even now, still look back and laugh because of the absurdity of it all. I was having a conversation with my now ex-boyfriend about the split of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. I had made a lackadaisical, off-handed remark about how Pitt should have divorced Aniston prior to messing around with Angelina Jolie. My ex simply said, “Well, the truth is if Angelina Jolie walked into the room, any guy would have to “do” her.”

Hence the break-up several months later. What a loss. In any case, my young self got very irritated at this news. After enduring my fury of “So you would just cheat because of who she is, regardless of us being together?” my ex obliviously looked at me and said, 
“You’re getting mad at me as if it will actually happen!”

It was suddenly so clear. I was the silver medal to his gold (Jolie) and in reality he had done nothing wrong except mouthing-off a hard truth. I am here now, so that’s what matters. But if Jolie’s car broke down outside of his apartment and needed to use his Triple A card, I’d be out of a boyfriend.

This caused me to stew for two years after. I assumed that no man could really be satisfied with a TV dinner when there’s a prime rib on his Internet Browser or located on his On Demand. But since being pessimistic is more depressing than anything else, I decided to give it another shot. Unfortunately for my new guy, I jumped into the relationship with guns blazing, preparing myself for a letdown with his wondering eye.

All was going well, until one night, we were driving down Melrose and from the corner of my eye, I saw her. Tall, and too skinny to balance in her heals with so much top-heaviness. The “little green monster” in me immediately went to watching his gaze. And like a normal human being, he had seen her too. Now, I am far from the Hollywood stereotype that has set the stage for our “sexy” standards. For one thing, I eat food. I am also a red head, and never considered any sort of augmentation, except it is apparent that LA women get their “girls” done like most people get a haircut. How could I compete with that?

After that, all I could see in my vision was “THREAT” blinking in front of my face like a mental pop-up. The dance went like this: I’d see a group of cute young girls emerge from a club on Melrose or Santa Monica, I’d watch his gaze, then I’d sit fermenting in anger while he rambled on about something I couldn’t hear because I was so filled with self-pity.

After a while, he finally spoke up. He told me I had made him paranoid about looking around, and he was exhausted with me constantly watching him, making sure he didn’t notice the exact same person I had noticed. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

We are visual creatures, no doubt about it. We like looking at pretty things, analyzing what makes them attractive and just enjoying the view, whether it be a man, woman, or a flower. It was unfair of me to watch his eyes when I had noticed the exact same person. We are not afraid of our guys looking around, but more so worried about what he is thinking about them.

A friend of mine was upset because she found some “videos” on her boyfriends browsing history. She asked me, “Is that what he wants me to look like? Is that what he finds attractive?”

I then asked her, after dealing with similar problems with an ex, if she ever looked at “videos” herself.

“Well yeah,” she replied, “but that’s different. He is looking at bimbos that are superficial and fake. How can I compete with someone who has paid to look so perfect?”

All I could say was the truth — He’s not looking to these videos to find a life partner, that’s what a relationship is. He was simply looking for a quick fix to get his rocks off while she was at work. And one shouldn’t throw stones at glass houses. Jealousy is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I have found that there is a huge difference between “enjoying the painting” and “jumping into the scenery.” If you’re at a restaurant and you have an attractive waiter bringing you your food, the night with your guy will end up quite nice. But if an attractive waitress comes into the picture, then there’s a whole lot more going on in your head than what you’re getting for dessert. Does he think she’s cute? Did he ask for the wine list just so he had an excuse to talk to her? Maybe he does think she’s cute, because you’re already thinking it yourself. But in the long run, this “competitiveness” will actual be the downfall for your relationship.

When a guy is slightly jealous, it can be adorable. But you would never want to date a guy who watched your very move and guilt trips you into feeling shamefaced for looking around. And he does not want to be with a girl who he constantly needs to reassure—it’s apparently very fatiguing.

The woman every good guy wants is one who is confident in herself, and in her relationship. No one likes to be blamed for something they haven’t even done. It is the obsession that has caused women to be so hateful and competitive towards each other. Yes, there is a difference between a glance and a guy who has a wondering eye, but that judgment is inevitably up to you. Most girls do not have the intention of steeling away your man, and most good guys are not looking around to find a replacement for you.

I have basically given in to his wishes. I refuse to be the jealous girlfriend who constantly gets annoyed by these inevitable factors and tests in life. There will always be cute, young, fit girls walking the streets and running their errands. There will always be a cute girl at the checkout line at Ralph’s, and it is within your power to either be the distressing paranoid girl who gives these other girls dirty looks, or the self assured and kind woman who can smile and think, “wow, a lot of women are really beautiful and that’s okay.” A week ago, my guy told me he was at his friends’ house, and a girl at the pool lost her top. Sure, he saw her without a top for a few seconds, but do I care anymore? No. I might have when I was younger and self-doubting. Because in the end, I have developed a trust, and that is much more important in the relationship and dating world than worrying about “what could happen.”

Call me cliché, but at the end of the day, he is in my bed and not in the girl on the street. There are times to be jealous, and with good ruling, you can realize that. Then there are times to roll with the punches. I know there will be a lot more girls for him to admire in the future, but as long as true feelings are there with me and he doesn’t instigate a bond with them, it is just to tiring to care. When you are in a monogamous standing, you feel like any pretty thing he lays his eyes on could defeat you. Men have “bros before…”well you know. What do women have but unnecessary rivalry? It’s time for this silly competition to end between women, because in the long run, you lose, and you have no one to blame but your own distrust.

Superficial Vs. Substance- What Makes a Better Date?

July 6, 2009

Written By: Alex G. Smith

As I was standing in line at a local grocery store, I couldn’t help but get bombarded by the unbelievable amount of women’s magazines in my sight. All I wanted to do was buy some orange juice and a pack of gum. Now, I’m wondering if I need to know the “secrets” to perfect hair, perfect skin, and which foundation will match my fake tan. I am so proud of my generation’s priorities. Not one of these magazines can tell you how to be more confident or accept your body type without trying to sell you something.

“Your mouth isn’t big enough? Buy this lip plumper—He’ll be dazzled by your big and pretty pucker!” Or “Loose that flab by following our cardio workout. All you’ll need is a yoga ball, weights, and a mat—He’ll compliment your tiny waist.”

Give me a break…

No wonder it’s hard to find a real and true person to date when everyone is brainwashed with idiocracy, bullcrap, and having little else to connect on. It’s one thing to want to appear put-together and sexy to gain that initial attraction, but you cannot build a relationship based on being attractive. I could be on a date with a male model who read every subscription of “Muscle and Fitness Magazine,” but if that is all he can really talk about, the date will be very short and I will be very bored. In my experience, there are a few simple things that you can do to make that first date follow with a second. Even if it is not a first date, there are general guidelines to becoming more confident and make better decisions when trying to find the right guy or girl to spend your time with.

First, put down the Cosmo and the Glamour—these magazines, though entertaining, are built on stereotypes that men would be very disappointed in hearing. Men are not from another planet, as these publications would like you to believe. I promise they are from Earth, with problems and hopes and insecurities like any other person. They are also not simple animals that just want to get lucky or be complimented on their muscles and eye color, although everyone enjoys praise.

On a date, you are meeting and engaging with another person, with a past and hopefully with some future aspirations. These are much more interesting things to discuss. One of the magazines I saw stated something to the effect of, “Men can become very bored when you begin talking about yourself. Try to keep the conversation low key—talk about music, a movie you just saw, or a book you just read.”

Sure, these are fun things to discuss on a first date, but at the same time, there’s only so much you can do with recapping every scene from “The Hangover.” Having similar interests is vital when connecting with someone for the first time, but they could also just become a friend if you cannot open up with more personal revelations like funny stories from your adolescents or the last trip you went on to San Diego.

You both probably want to know about what events in your past made you who you are, and even though every women’s magazine would argue with me, it’s okay to ask about what happened in their past relationships. A lot of personal details aren’t necessary, but it is still a good talking point because you both want to know anyway. The point here is that you should not underestimate the guy you are with. You might have a nice lacy top to show off your cleavage, or you might have mastered the whole “smoky eye” thing because a magazine told you that this is essential when finding a soul mate, but I can guarantee that if you are just something pretty to look at, your relationship is already over.

Like it or not, there are tons of pretty men and women in the world, and if you aren’t interesting or engaged with the world around you, he will eventually need more substance. We are just creatures constantly interested in finding the most unique, rare, and exceptional person, and it could probably be you if you allow that side to show and stay true to your opinions.

Another essential key is to try and figure out what type of person you are on the date with. Even before you go on a date, there are signals into what he or she is about before you even go out to dinner and a movie. There have been many times where a guy has come up to me on the street and said, “Hey, can I have your number?”

If you’re looking for a fling or a fun night, then giving out your number to this guy might be a fine idea. But if you are looking for a more serious venture, don’t do it. These guys who walk right up and ask for your digits before he even knows if you’re a serial killer is not a good sign. I want to be careful not to stereotype, but get real—this guy has asked for a lot more number before you wondered into his peripheral vision. Maybe you looked nice, and that’s all it took for him to approach you, but is that someone you want to have your personal information? To him, you were just someone pretty who caught his eye. But in another five minutes after you leave, he is probably already looking for the next girl who will give out her number.

That’s how it is sometimes, but luckily you have the control in that situation to make a smart decision.

This may sound cliché, but stick to a guy who you’ve met at least once. Even dating someone you hung out with at a party or club is dangerous territory, because you have no idea how many times he’s already hooked up with someone in that environment. And if you feel you’ve outsmarted him by asking, “Do you normally pick up girls here?” he could very easily bend the truth to get some of your “sweetness.”

Also, there have been a few times where I’ve met up with people at a party and gave them my number out of drunken stupidity. If it’s hard for you to say no, or you want to be “polite” for some reason, then take his number and once you sober up, decide if you want to hang out with him again. Otherwise, he now has your number and can call or text you—then you have to ignore him until he gets the point or write a friendly, “I don’t think I felt any chemistry with you the other night besides a good buzz.”

No one likes to write or receive these types of messages, so keep the ball in your court and have some control over whom you give your number out to so that when a date actually happens, it is with a person who you decided to go out with based on what you want.

When on a date, I liked to think about how I was presenting myself, outside of the superficial. You don’t want your date to go to his friends after and say, “Well she’s dumb as bricks, but she’s got a great mouth/ rack/ body,” unless you’re looking to date one of the guys from “Laguna Beach” or “A Shot at Love.” In the end, it all depends on what you’re looking for. Before you start dating, and even before you rush out to whiten your teeth and pick up a lip-gloss and some Altoids, think about yourself. What are you trying to do with your life? Do you have room for another person or are you too preoccupied?

It’s okay to not give out your number to every person, and it’s okay to focus on your own future before anyone else’s. Being selfish, against common rule, is okay because no one else is going to affect how you feel about yourself more than you and your actions. If more people were selfish and took care of their needs before anyone else’s, then there would be a lot less blame and resentment towards others who you feel stunted your personal growth.

Ask yourself these questions, and decide what type of “dating” and companionship you’re looking for before you even go out. Do you have time to waste with boy-men who don’t want to grow up while you are trying to get a job or finish school? That’s perfectly fine, as long as you go in expecting this and not expecting to change him; he’s young at heart and not looking to get tied down by a go-getting-girl whose going to suck all the fun out of him with serious life changes, so expect him to be looking around at other girls, and expect him to get annoyed when you confront him about looking around. If you aren’t looking for something like that, though, then look in the right spots.

A lot of the good guys are off the general dating radar by working all day, going to school, or hiding out in their apartment to ponder the universe. They are probably as equally fun, attractive, and spontaneous as the men in the common dating scene, but they are just taking care of themselves and waiting for a chance meeting with an equally passionate person. In my experience, it’s quality over quantity. You can find dozens of eligible single guys at “Club Dance” and you won’t risk any rejection because they are there for the exact same reason—to have fun. You dance with him, he thinks you’re hot, you have some drinks, and maybe you end up loosing your favorite bra on the floor of his bedroom.

But as you move on, past just having fun and begin looking for something more regular and substantial, you might need to move past what your favorite club song is and patiently wait for a one of the keepers to come out from under his rock. I feel embarrassed, and almost empathetic, with the desperateness I see in my fellow women. Have a little pride in who you are, what you want to be, and understand that the more superficial and uninteresting you are, the more replaceable you are.

Every woman reads “girlie magazines,” but not every girl has shot a gun or learned another language, and the more well rounded and interesting you are, the more indispensable, mysterious, and desirable you become. Show them that you have pride in yourself, not just your body and your loose waves, because the good guys will be impressed, and the disposable guys will disappear like a magic trick. At this point, know yourself and your goals, so that you can share them with another person. After all, that is what dating is supposed to be—finding an equal, a partner, and a friend who you can share your immediate life with. It makes this whole “living” thing a lot more bearable, and a lot more fun.