So you make it to the first date of coffee and lunch. You indulge in dinner dates, movies, and flawless conversation and you think, “Wow, this guy is too good to be true. I’ve finally found Mr. Right.” Everything seems to be going so well—then you catch his peripheral vision checking out another girl.
Living in Los Angeles has its good and bad, pros and cons. You can order delivery at one in the morning, and there is always something to do regardless of how much money you have. However, living in metropolitan cities, including New York and Los Angeles, have underlying drawbacks. When you’re single, you might enjoy embracing the club scenes, nightlife, and are just looking to have a good time. But when you’ve been with someone long enough to develop something resembling a semblance of feeling, it suddenly feels like every woman who walks down the street is a model or actress—point is, their all very attractive.
Now, my experience in this field is based on an event that happened a few years ago. I was younger, but even now, still look back and laugh because of the absurdity of it all. I was having a conversation with my now ex-boyfriend about the split of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. I had made a lackadaisical, off-handed remark about how Pitt should have divorced Aniston prior to messing around with Angelina Jolie. My ex simply said, “Well, the truth is if Angelina Jolie walked into the room, any guy would have to “do” her.”
Hence the break-up several months later. What a loss. In any case, my young self got very irritated at this news. After enduring my fury of “So you would just cheat because of who she is, regardless of us being together?” my ex obliviously looked at me and said, “You’re getting mad at me as if it will actually happen!”
It was suddenly so clear. I was the silver medal to his gold (Jolie) and in reality he had done nothing wrong except mouthing-off a hard truth. I am here now, so that’s what matters. But if Jolie’s car broke down outside of his apartment and needed to use his Triple A card, I’d be out of a boyfriend.
This caused me to stew for two years after. I assumed that no man could really be satisfied with a TV dinner when there’s a prime rib on his Internet Browser or located on his On Demand. But since being pessimistic is more depressing than anything else, I decided to give it another shot. Unfortunately for my new guy, I jumped into the relationship with guns blazing, preparing myself for a letdown with his wondering eye.
All was going well, until one night, we were driving down Melrose and from the corner of my eye, I saw her. Tall, and too skinny to balance in her heals with so much top-heaviness. The “little green monster” in me immediately went to watching his gaze. And like a normal human being, he had seen her too. Now, I am far from the Hollywood stereotype that has set the stage for our “sexy” standards. For one thing, I eat food. I am also a red head, and never considered any sort of augmentation, except it is apparent that LA women get their “girls” done like most people get a haircut. How could I compete with that?
After that, all I could see in my vision was “THREAT” blinking in front of my face like a mental pop-up. The dance went like this: I’d see a group of cute young girls emerge from a club on Melrose or Santa Monica, I’d watch his gaze, then I’d sit fermenting in anger while he rambled on about something I couldn’t hear because I was so filled with self-pity.
After a while, he finally spoke up. He told me I had made him paranoid about looking around, and he was exhausted with me constantly watching him, making sure he didn’t notice the exact same person I had noticed. That was exactly what I needed to hear.
We are visual creatures, no doubt about it. We like looking at pretty things, analyzing what makes them attractive and just enjoying the view, whether it be a man, woman, or a flower. It was unfair of me to watch his eyes when I had noticed the exact same person. We are not afraid of our guys looking around, but more so worried about what he is thinking about them.
A friend of mine was upset because she found some “videos” on her boyfriends browsing history. She asked me, “Is that what he wants me to look like? Is that what he finds attractive?”
I then asked her, after dealing with similar problems with an ex, if she ever looked at “videos” herself.
“Well yeah,” she replied, “but that’s different. He is looking at bimbos that are superficial and fake. How can I compete with someone who has paid to look so perfect?”
All I could say was the truth — He’s not looking to these videos to find a life partner, that’s what a relationship is. He was simply looking for a quick fix to get his rocks off while she was at work. And one shouldn’t throw stones at glass houses. Jealousy is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I have found that there is a huge difference between “enjoying the painting” and “jumping into the scenery.” If you’re at a restaurant and you have an attractive waiter bringing you your food, the night with your guy will end up quite nice. But if an attractive waitress comes into the picture, then there’s a whole lot more going on in your head than what you’re getting for dessert. Does he think she’s cute? Did he ask for the wine list just so he had an excuse to talk to her? Maybe he does think she’s cute, because you’re already thinking it yourself. But in the long run, this “competitiveness” will actual be the downfall for your relationship.
When a guy is slightly jealous, it can be adorable. But you would never want to date a guy who watched your very move and guilt trips you into feeling shamefaced for looking around. And he does not want to be with a girl who he constantly needs to reassure—it’s apparently very fatiguing.
The woman every good guy wants is one who is confident in herself, and in her relationship. No one likes to be blamed for something they haven’t even done. It is the obsession that has caused women to be so hateful and competitive towards each other. Yes, there is a difference between a glance and a guy who has a wondering eye, but that judgment is inevitably up to you. Most girls do not have the intention of steeling away your man, and most good guys are not looking around to find a replacement for you.
I have basically given in to his wishes. I refuse to be the jealous girlfriend who constantly gets annoyed by these inevitable factors and tests in life. There will always be cute, young, fit girls walking the streets and running their errands. There will always be a cute girl at the checkout line at Ralph’s, and it is within your power to either be the distressing paranoid girl who gives these other girls dirty looks, or the self assured and kind woman who can smile and think, “wow, a lot of women are really beautiful and that’s okay.” A week ago, my guy told me he was at his friends’ house, and a girl at the pool lost her top. Sure, he saw her without a top for a few seconds, but do I care anymore? No. I might have when I was younger and self-doubting. Because in the end, I have developed a trust, and that is much more important in the relationship and dating world than worrying about “what could happen.”
Call me cliché, but at the end of the day, he is in my bed and not in the girl on the street. There are times to be jealous, and with good ruling, you can realize that. Then there are times to roll with the punches. I know there will be a lot more girls for him to admire in the future, but as long as true feelings are there with me and he doesn’t instigate a bond with them, it is just to tiring to care. When you are in a monogamous standing, you feel like any pretty thing he lays his eyes on could defeat you. Men have “bros before…”well you know. What do women have but unnecessary rivalry? It’s time for this silly competition to end between women, because in the long run, you lose, and you have no one to blame but your own distrust.