Archive for the ‘sarah jacobson’ Category

Falling Asleep on the Job

October 15, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobsen

I had an embarrassing experience a few weekends back. We’ve all been there – those nights when we drink a bit too much and think we’re superwomen capable of hours of fabulous sex without dozing off. Oh, is that just me? I had one such evening recently. It was all the fault of the sake bombs at my favorite sushi restaurant (and maybe the fault of those soco and lime shots too). I don’t know what it is, but it seems alcohol just makes people want to get it on. It’s a terrible side effect, really – when you think about it, not only does the drink make you look uglier and act sloppier, but often, it renders you unable to get the job done. It hits your bloodstream and suddenly you want to have sex with everyone around you, and yet, you’re often too tipsy to do so.

Gentlemen often complain that alcohol incapacitates their member. Ever heard the phrase whiskey dick? Well, it doesn’t just happen with whiskey. Men are criticized for these moments, moments when they’ve simply had one beer too many and are unable to get it up, let alone get it in. But what happens when the tables are turned? When the girl is the one who can barely keep her eyes open? Do the men hate like the ladies do? Certainly, there’s something to be said for a blue-balling experience. We all know no one likes that. But should the gals be as embarrassed as the guys when one too many makes them a bad hookup buddy?

Men, I need your opinion here. After my failure to perform (and by failure to perform, I mean I’m pretty sure I fell asleep), I apologized profusely. Come morning, I was shameful, though the feeling was momentarily shut out by the thudding headache that accompanied my horrible hangover. Is this cause for a dismissal? My friend with benefits and I have no rules, and we’re certainly not exclusive. But lord knows what I said when I didn’t know I was saying anything at all. I’m hoping it was nothing offensive, but at the very least I know things were supposed to happen that didn’t because I was unable to operate any sort of machinery.

My guy says it’s fine. He forgives me; but I’ve got to make it up to him. The problem is, with my beer goggles on, I’m all for getting it on. But once I take them off and my hangover subsides, I see that we’ve got nothing in common and I don’t really care to do much at all. But since I’ve already propositioned him while tipsy, I feel a bit caught. Must I hold up my end of the deal? Why is it that I’m so enraptured by him when I’m sloppy but once I’ve cleaned myself up I have no interest in him? I may have fallen asleep on the job, but now that I’ve woken up, I’m lost in a state of guilt mixed with relief. One thing is sure: sake bombs aren’t for me. As for my inability to follow through when I’ve had too much to drink, I’m lucky I’ve been forgiven. Where we go from here, however, I’m unclear. Any and all suggestions appreciated!

Don’t Judge a Book by its Text Message

August 25, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobsen

In grade school we were taught not to judge a book by its cover. This meant that if the girl next to us wore ugly shoes and smelled funny, we were still supposed to be her friend, and if the boy two-seats-ahead in our Math class wore the same shirt every day and had a weird haircut, we were still supposed to give him a chance. Now that we’ve grown, we’re taught that we can’t judge a person by their looks. But what about their text messages?

Call me judgmental, but I think there’s quite a bit that can be told from a text. This is a modern age, and I’m a modern gal. The text is as ubiquitous as the email, and is often used in place of a phone call. In the olden days, women over-analyzed their calls, discussing everything from word choice to tone of voice.

If this is so, why can’t we analyze the text? Recently, I was set up on a blind date. In texting back and forth with my date (who, I should note, chose to text instead of call and I did not judge him on his choice), I came across a big no-no in my book: what I like to call “the LOL.” Since seventh grade, when “the LOL” overtook my class notes and AOL Instant Messenger conversations, I’ve despised it. I’m proud to say I’ve never used it in a conversation, mostly because I rarely find myself in situations where I’m laughing out loud to the extent that I need to write down that I’m doing so. I despise the way it looks and the way it sounds; I’d even go as far as to say I believe it makes the speaker sound dumb.

This being said, in my date’s first text, I was hit square on with not just one “LOL” but two. I might add here that my date is almost thirty, way past an age during which usage of the terrible abbreviation could be seen as acceptable. I was immediately turned off. Would I be dating a guy who acted younger than he was? Was he a frat boy who couldn’t carry on a legitimate conversation? Terrible possibilities swarmed my brain…

…Until some friends snapped me back to reality. I was being way too judgmental, they claimed. I couldn’t judge a guy on his text message, especially not on his usage of one specific word. The thing I hadn’t divulged? He was also a “u” type of guy. It’s another pet peeve of mine. As an English major, I always prefer that those around me spell out full words. A “C U Later” doesn’t do it for me; I’d like the real thing. The angel on my right shoulder told me to get a life and stop giving my date such a hard time. I hadn’t even met him yet. He could be the one! Except that my one wouldn’t say “LOL.” I’m sorry, angel, but he just wouldn’t.

The devil in me wants to judge, but my angel has prevailed. I’m meeting him for drinks next week. If he talks the way he texts, I’m outta there. But in the meantime, I’m going to attempt to keep my judgmental thoughts where they below – in my imagination, because as my mother taught me, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, and you most certainly cannot judge a man by his text message.

Playing It Cool: The Phone Call Screen

August 7, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobson

When I was young, I told myself that someday, when men chased me around, I’d “screen all my phone calls” like Gwen Stefani did in my favorite song of the era, “Don’t Speak.” However, now that I’ve grown up and men aren’t exactly chasing me around as often as they did in my childhood dreams, I’ve had fewer opportunities to do so. Such a chance arose for me recently via a blind date set up by a family friend, and, willing to take the plunge, I gave out my phone number to said potential date. I hoped that when he called, it would show up as a number I didn’t recognize, and my screening sixth sense would immediately kick in.

No such luck. When my date did call, I not only picked up the phone thinking it was someone else, but made him feel awkward about the fact that I’d been hoping to screen. Additionally, I had a crazy weekend coming up, and asked if it would be all right if I gave him a call on Sunday. Strike one against me, clearly. Hoping to clear the air, I sent a text message later that evening apologizing for my awkwardness over the phone and promised to give him a call in a few days. As promised, on Sunday evening, I picked up the phone and called him back.

My date, it seems, was one step ahead of me. Not only did he screen my call (which I congratulated him for in my message), but after two days, he still hadn’t returned the favor. Now, it’s one thing to screen, but it’s quite another to make a girl wait. I’m a single twenty-something who went out on a limb to even accept the offer of a blind date (what on earth was I thinking?), and here he is making me think I said something wrong by mentioning the screen.

I have, as I said above, always been a fan of the screen. It gives you a chance to evaluate the person calling on their voice, their composure, and most of all, their choice of words. Following the above experience, however, I’m beginning to wonder if I am, as I’m often told, “too judgmental.” Is the screen a bad thing? Am I the only one who employs this tactic? No. I’m not. I know for sure that I’m not. But I’m beginning to think that what turned off my potential date was the fact that I mentioned “the screen” – I shouldn’t have said “I’d have done the same”, because now it seems he thinks I’m an asshole who screens all her calls and then judges her potential dates. Which, I suppose, I am.

What does this mean for my dating future? More importantly, what does it mean for the city of New York, an island that probably collectively screens their calls more than any other city in the country? I’m looking for some input here, men of New York. Was it a bad move to joke about the screen? Clue me in. Is the screen the muggle dating world equivalent of mentioning Voldemort?
~
My date called on Wednesday evening. Three nights had passed since the message in question, and I did as I always do – I let the call go to voicemail. He didn’t mention the screen in his message. We’ve got a date for this weekend. Perhaps it is all about the screen.

Finding The One, and Why We Shouldn’t Need to Find Him

July 22, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobson

From the moment we pop out of the womb, women are inundated with hetero normative signs. For those who find that word a bit big to swallow, we’re talking the pink blankets and pink clothes, the fact that we’re taught in kindergarten that if a boy hits you atop the head it means he likes you, the fact that if in seventh grade he spreads an evil rumor about you it means he like likes you. All that jazz, in short, prepares the heterosexual woman for a long life of attempting to find Prince Charming among a selection of seemingly toad-like individuals. Society programs us to begin our hunt for “the one” quite early on, which is probably why once we start, we just can’t stop.

Everyone knows a serial monogamist. You know, the type of girl who swears that after her last disastrous relationship, she’s just going to “take some time to focus on herself” but has a new boyfriend by the end of the week. Feminists claim this particular breed of woman doesn’t feel secure with herself and keeps a steady string of men around in order to boost her self-esteem. Shy girls call these women sluts. The women themselves? They claim they can’t help it – they just keep meeting people they like.

The idea of a need for constant attention plays its part, certainly. There’s no denying that everyone wants to be wanted. It’s a basic human instinct to crave attention. Perhaps the serial monogamists tend to crave it a bit more than their non-monogamous peers, though it could be argued that those who sleep around are just as bad as the perpetual daters. What it comes down to, however, is the want we’re instructed to think is natural from birth – the want for “the boy” to like “the girl.” It’s why girls who have one guy in one state will have one in another for the summer and tell themselves that neither one means much (but they both mean a lot). It’s why women go to bars in short skirts (super feminists, quit your wining, I know you dress for yourself).

What is it with this need? Is it true that women can’t be truly satisfied if they don’t have a man by their side? The concept of finding “the one” seems outdated at best, but the tenants of the idea – the thought of having a partner who knows your ups and downs and insides and outs and will stick with you through anything is an appealing one. Not to mention, when you put it like that, it doesn’t sound bad. Why shouldn’t we women consistently have a man at our side, a guy who tells us we look pretty even when we smell and are wearing our sweatpants? Don’t we have the right to feel good about ourselves, to enjoy the company of someone we like?

Of course we do. The issue at hand isn’t the right to have a guy, it’s the need. We’re taught that we need a man in order to complete ourselves – that we’re unable to stand on our own two feet. If we’re not looking for a relationship, we’re either weird or jaded, and if we’re looking for one too often, we’re needy. We can’t win! Society has, in a sense, set us up to fail. What’s a girl to do? For starters, we’ve got to learn to stand on our own – to tell ourselves we look beautiful even in our sweatpants. Once you get used to living with yourself, then bring in the man. As my dear Carrie Bradshaw says, maybe we’re our own white knights. Is that so bad?

A Girl’s Guide for Guys: The First Date

July 13, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobson

First dates are tough. Reading the signals of a person you’ve just met is a difficult task, and one that should be proceeded towards with utmost caution. I tend to meet my first dates at Starbucks. It’s a neutral location – there are always plenty of people around, so if it turns out the guy is a total weirdo, the big guy with the venti frappucino can protect you.

Additionally, the average person drinks some form of coffee/tea/water, so the coffee shop appeals to all types. Most importantly, a coffee date can only go on so long. If things are super awkward, you can finish your drink and say, “Well, it was so lovely to meet you” and end things right then and there.

If it goes well, you can bat your eyes and say, “how about dinner?”

So, gentlemen, let’s say that we’re at Starbucks. We’re on a first date. We’ve recognized one another, grabbed our drinks, and picked a table. Here are some things you, as the man, should know:

Please don’t stare at the girl you’re with. It’s one thing to make eye contact and act as though you’re hanging onto every word we’re saying, but enough is enough. Do be attentive, but the whole staring contest thing just doesn’t work in your favor. It makes you look like you’ve got a tinge of serial killer in your eyes, and we don’t like it.

Don’t just talk about yourself for an hour. We get it. You really love going to the gym and your job is fantastic and your life is just really freaking fabulous. We’re glad to hear you have a younger sister and two dogs at home and an overbearing mother, but once again, enough is enough. Try to work in a question after your statements. Let’s try it together: “I have two dogs at home. Do you have any pets?” See? Simple. Easy. Done and done.

Don’t tell us you don’t like coffee. Or tea. Or water, for that matter. If you don’t like any of these things, you should not have agreed to meet us at Starbucks. We also don’t care if you don’t like vegetables, or fruit, or meat. In fact, we don’t care if you subsist on foraged nuts and berries from the backwoods of upstate New York, so long as you don’t ask us to do the same. We’re not expecting you to be totally agreeable, but admitting that you have really weird eating and drinking habits while we’re supposed to be eating and drinking isn’t going to do either of us any good.

So what can you do? It’s simple, really. Laugh at our jokes. Tell us we look nice. Ask questions that correspond to our statements, and offer something of your own to compliment them. Don’t brag, but don’t sit there like a statue. We do want to hear what you have to say – we just want to hear it in doses. If you think things are going well, do ask for our number, and do call. Don’t make us wait three days just to play it cool, and leave a message if we screen your call (which we inevitably will). Most of all; be yourself, because it does neither of us any good to pretend to be something you’re not.

Once the date is over, please read our signals. If we don’t invite you back to our place, we probably don’t want you there. Here are some helpful hints.

If we say, “Well, I have to go, I’m making dinner for my roommates,” do NOT interpret this as an invitation. If we wanted you there, we‘d say, “I’m making something yummy for dinner tonight, would you like to join me?”

If we say, “It was really great to meet you, I had a wonderful time” and pause for effect; ask for our number. We’re waiting for you to make the next move. If you walk us home and we pause at the door, we’re waiting for a goodbye kiss. Especially if we fumble with our keys.

Don’t go in for said kiss in the middle of a crowded Starbucks. Whatever urges you’re feeling, they’ll be just as strong in your bed. PDA is never classy, and we’ll probably be embarrassed if you start sloppily making out with us at the table (even if we want to do it too).


 Lastly, do call. Please call. If you don’t plan to call, don’t lead us on by asking for our number. We’re not fragile creatures, but we do have hearts, and those hearts are easily hurt by the lack of a ringing phone. Not that we’ll be sitting with our phone clutched to our chest (ok, we will), but we’d appreciate a call, because chances are, if you felt something, we felt it too, and we can’t wait to do something about it.

Why Selling Your Soul to the Internet Dating Gods Might Be a Bad Idea

June 29, 2009

Written By: Sarah Jacobson

Here’s the thing. I don’t really believe in online dating. After a short stint on Match.com, which was fueled by a burst of social anxiety and resulted in a few short dates with awkward men that I’d rather forget, I went back to the real world. Which is, I should add, where I think dating should take place. Face to face, not over the Internet.

There are many who disagree with me. I know many who’ve not just dabbled in online dating but think of their Match.com (interchangeable with eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com) profile as a segue to their knight in shining armor. Funny, the Craigslist Killer looked like a knight in shining armor and turned out to be a total crazy.

This begs the questions: “Are all online daters crazy? What’s wrong with them? Why are they dating online as opposed to in person?”

Supporters of internet dating claim that you do meet them in person eventually, that you merely get to know them online. This, they say, allows you to feel them out before you go on that terribly awkward date with, say, your one night stand from last Saturday night, who doesn’t look nearly as good, sans beer goggles. Fair enough. I’m all for getting to know someone before I dare to sit through a meal with them.

Hence, an experiment: Posing as none other than myself, I took the plunge on a site that didn’t require payment: Craigslist. With the Craigslist Killer lingering in my subconscious, I crafted an ad that was honest, witty, and funny (or so I thought). I hoped to garner responses that were normal, intelligent, and most importantly, that would help me figure out why on earth one would turn to Craigslist to get a date. Here’s what I found:

Many cite time as the main problem. They’re working too hard/too late/too much to meet people in real time, hence, they head online, where they can meet people at all hours of the day. Others claim they’re “sick of the bar scene.” In fact, I can’t count how many men gave me that line, verbatim. As though they don’t love grinding up on biddies in a hot and sweaty club. Many were older. Though my listing clearly stated that I was 23, I got responses from men ten years older than me. As if!

Kidding. Sort of – but seriously, aren’t guys a bit older at least supposed to be dedicated enough to mission “find a relationship” that they’d pay for Match.com?

Every single man that emailed me felt compelled to describe not just his looks, but how he maintained them. I got the old, “I’m an outdoorsy type” multiple times. A couple felt the need to give me their measurements. Others said they enjoyed working out; many cited “going to the gym” as one of their hobbies.

MEN (and I refer to you as a collective being on purpose), I say this with love – most women don’t care if you go to the gym five days a week at 5 p.m. sharp. In fact, we could care less, because as long as you’re good to us and good in bed, it doesn’t really matter.

So, what did I learn? Well, for starters, it’s of note that I didn’t receive one email that made me stop and think, “Hmm, this one’s a keeper.” My instincts were quite the opposite: RUN! RUN QUICKLY! DO NOT MEET THIS MAN IN PERSON.

I let each of my lovely e-mailers down easy, and returned to the real world, where people take the chance and pray that they’ll meet their great love on the subway. Do I believe all online daters are quacks? Not necessarily – I have friends who have dedicated themselves to making online dating work, and I respect them greatly for putting themselves out there. I, however, would prefer to put myself out there in person, instead of in cyberspace.

Sarah Jacobson

June 12, 2008

Position: Dating Columnist

Location: New York

Bio: Sarah Jacobson is a pop culture fiend who’s looking for her Taylor Hanson look-alike, soul-mate. She likes writing, baking, long walks on the beach, and very dirty martinis. she’s a bit anti-online dating, but will try anything once (except for seafood).

Likes: kings of leon, miley cyrus, hole in the wall restaurants, vivaldi, amaretto sours, taboo (the game, not the concept).

Columns At CWG: Girls Are Wingmen