Republicans Announce New Health Care Reform Bill

Written by: Garry Cooper

Senate Republicans, wary of being seen as the party that blocked health care reform, today unveiled an 11th hour health care reform plan that guarantees insurance for every American citizen. “Unlike the Democratic versions which will insure only about 95% of all Americans, our bill will insure 100% of Americans,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. The bill accomplishes this by defining an American as any citizen who has health care insurance.

“By purifying our definition of American,” said Boehner, “We will ensure that the poor, the lazy, the sickly, and illegal immigrants, including those who are legal, will not be entitled to any benefits. This will motivate those who want to become the New Americans to get a job, get strong, make enough money to buy insurance, or go back where they came from, and it will make our country even stronger for the generations yet to come.”

Senate Republicans, worried about being associated with any kind of health care reform, originally expressed hesitation about supporting the bill, but Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell was finally persuaded to go along after fellow Republicans agreed to attach a rider changing his title to Senate Alternative Leader.

“I’ve never been comfortable being associated with the term minority,” said McConnell.

The compromise was devised by Senator Joseph Lieberman (?-CT), who said, “This bipartisan effort shows that unctuous sanctimonious statesmen can work together for the good of each other, regardless of party affiliation.”

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