Why it doesn’t matter if Lady Gaga Has Balls

Written By: Hallie Madenski

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, stage name Lady Gaga is a true enigma. A pale Grace Jones or an equally pale Madonna. Her enlarged nose and imperfect face have snuck their way into one of the strangest music videos in years. The video for “Paparazzi” of course, is a plethora of strange images and matching outfits. The naked ass of a statue, some money featuring the singer’s wonderfully chipmonked cheeks. Kissing an obscure actor, speaking a foreign language, fake eyelashes obscuring the top portion of the iris. A ram’s head. An open beach front room with only a bed a chair and a small table occupying them.

These are some of the first things you see in this video. Sounds pretty inane I suppose. Until Lady Gaga is pushed out a window to what you’d think would be her demise. But no, the awkward singer pushes on with her bizarre ballad of a satiric love for the paparazzi in a wheelchair and later in crutches. Twisting her little frame into bizarre artistic poses. I don’t really claim pop music as my number one loved genre, though it is THE number one genre. There is no other universally loved genre. Pop music is the mathematics of music. It is known everywhere and accepted for what it is by millions. Widely criticized and still pushing to make everyone just generally feel good. Like a child, it is simplistic and innocent and a little pushy.

Innocence of course is a broad term, one not usually used to describe the popular new music of today with it’s blatant sexual content. This video uses blatant sexuality to make you feel not stupid, only amused and bewildered. The less subtle Diablo Cody of Music, Lady Gaga is honest in her portrayal of herself. It’s obvious to me who she is, while I am not so sure about the High School Musical generation young America seems infatuated with. A whole other type of simplicity, the more murky type I think.

Lady Gaga is an architect of pop music, writing her own songs and singing them in a way that would make even Barbara Bush want to dance in public. My boyfriend hates Lady Gaga, he thinks she is all smoke and mirrors and a one hit wonder who will quickly fade into the past. I think that’s more what he hopes than what he thinks. Even if her second CD was terrible people would still buy it because of the popularity of the first. Her massively broad fan base wouldn’t let it happen either. Now I’m not on to completely stick my nose in someone’s behind without criticizing them a little first. Lady Gaga’s antics come off as a little narcissistic, especially when changing outfits numerous times at the VMA’s and showing up with Kermit the Frog as her ummmm, date? That might have been mildly amusing if she hadn’t kissed him so many times in the pre-show.

Well we are all looking now aren’t we, Miss Germanotta? I heard someone on E!’s Chelsea Lately call her facial bird nest apparatus a “muppet gloryhole” which I thought was a great description. Her outfits do cause controversy and have possibly been said to have been stolen or let’s say “inspired” by Irish performer Roisin Murphy. If you look at the similarities you might not call Lady Gaga the most innovative style icon since Gwen Stefani.

Another classy rumor is that Lady Gaga is in fact a straight up man or hermaphrodite. With all her confidence, gay fans and bisexuality I don’t think she cares a wit about whether people think she possesses a nice heaping set of balls or not. From what I’ve seen of her in interviews, sassing the young plaid clad vest wearing 20 something interviewer, I can only picture her with a grin on her face at the very mention of these supposed balls. Secretly a lot of the insecurities of being a woman could translate as an actual desire to have a penis, not literally, but metaphorically. So, to you media and homophobes alike, wouldn’t it just be your nightmare if we did all have balls. Then what would you gossip about? Still some failed drug induced starlet falling out her car at four in the morning, but not about how scandalous is it that Lady Gaga might have both male and female parts. Pushing at the boundaries of sexuality is a game long in the making and the more it evolves the more you’ll realize, it doesn’t matter who has balls.

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