Republicans Come Out in Favor of Universal, Public Option Health Care

Written By: Garry Cooper

In a major reversal, congressional Republicans today came out in favor of both universal health care and a public option. “Unlike the Democrats, we favor genuine universal health care,” said House Minority leader John (“Don’t call me boner”) Boehner, “We propose starting by offering health care to Venusians and Martians.”

Calling the Republican plan “a compassionate one for our nation’s poor and uninsured,” Boehner said that offering the public option first to Venusians and Martians “would give us a chance to see how a public option works without conducting a dangerous social experiment on our nation’s most vulnerable people.”

As part of the Republican proposal, Venusians and Martians would be offered both a public option and the opportunity to purchase private insurance. “Universal access to health care is likely to be something new to them,” said Boehner, “And we want them to clearly understand from the outset that socialism isn’t the answer to anything for anyone anywhere in the universe, except for a few countries here on Earth who haven’t yet learned that important lesson.”

The Republican plan also calls for $175 billion in seed money for insurance companies for start-up costs on Venus and Mars. “The logistics of setting up a viable health care program on Venus and Mars are considerable,” said Boehner, “And we want to be sure that the playing field is level for our nation’s insurance companies when they go up against our government. These people have been helping our nation’s sick for years and deserve our compassion and consideration.”

Asked whether that $175 billion shouldn’t be spent on providing health care for the uninsured here, Boehner replied that in the long run the money would be better spent by setting up a program that works for future generations as well. “A lot of these uninsured are sickly and are going to die soon,” he said, “The Republican party is committed to looking toward the future.”

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