GOP Politicians Deny Sex Scandals, Reclaim Moral High Ground

Written By: Garry Cooper

The Associated Press reports that, “South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.”

Reached later for comment, God confirmed the governor’s statement.

“I am going to paralyze that twerpy hypocrite’s penis,” said God, “Then we’ll see how much he really wants My help, and for what.”

In related news, Nevada Senator John Ensign, who had called for President Clinton’s resignation and impeachment for having sex outside marriage, again refused to resign following revelations that he not only had an affair with a staff member who was also his friend’s wife, but that his parents have paid over $90,000 to them—not as hush money but as unreported severance pay.

“This is an entirely different matter,” said Ensign, “President Clinton had only oral sex and thus lacked the moral courage and clarity to go for the whole enchilada. We need leaders who have the courage to follow through on their convictions.”

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