Ticker Tape

Written By: Garry Cooper

Leaders of the G8 summit today committed to trying to limit the rise in average world-wide temperatures to 2 degrees Celsius, providing that it can be done without causing too much short-term economic cost for their countries. “We think this is an excellent start for 20 years ago,” they said in a joint communiqué, “and it demonstrates to the entire world that we are serious about beginning to think about what we need to do to save human civilization.”

Responding to criticism that even a one degree rise will be devastating to billions of poor people in low-lying coastal areas like Bangla Desh, a spokesperson pointed out that a two degree rise in Celsius will make nearby Mt. Everest habitable and people can trek up there to live. “It’s not like these floods will happen overnight,” said the spokesperson. “They’ll have plenty of time to begin their trek, and remember they don’t have a lot of possessions to pack. The mass migration will also provide work for the Sherpas, and the resulting economic boom will benefit the entire region. Just like the rising oceans, the rising economic tide will lift all boats.”…..

In other news, Major League Baseball pronounced its efforts yesterday to join in honoring Michael Jackson a large success. “Not only did every player wear a glove on one hand, but a record number of players, in full view of millions of viewers, grabbed their crotches,” said Commissioner Bud Selig.


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