Ticker Tape

More details emerged today of the final minutes in the life of music superstar Michael Jackson. As paramedics urgently tried to put an oxygen mask on the pop star, who was suffering cardiac arrest, they had difficulty fitting it over the two young boys who were attached to his face. Minutes later, paramedics attempted CPR but it was too late.

“All I got for my trouble was plastic shards stuck to my face,” said one paramedic…..

The United States House of Representatives passed the dramatic climate bill by a narrow margin of 212-209, “When the time came to do something too small to save the world, a slim majority of us stepped up to the plate,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “This is something every American can be proud of.”

The passage of the bill was attributed to a last minute compromise by House Republicans, who agreed to vote for an even more watered down version of the bill in exchange for a provision to sell buffalo robes this winter to those who can’t afford higher heating bills. Asked why for the first time they showed concern for financially strapped Americans, House Minority Leader John Boehner waved a fat contract which gives Haliburton the right to slaughter all buffalo in the United States and sell the hides to the government at a 400 percent markup.

“Even Haliburton has gotten aboard the climate change movement,” said Boehner, “By agreeing to slash their usual profit margin in half. This is a win-win situation. Everyone benefits, from big business to those poor people who can afford to buy buffalo robes. And with the buffalo gone, our nation’s oil drillers won’t have to worry about stepping in poop as they continue to drill for oil in our prairies.”