Billy Mays Dead

Famed infomercial pitchman Billy Mays, the voice of such products as OxiClean, was reported dead yesterday morning. “Not just dead,” said a spokesperson, “But deader than you’ve ever seen anyone before! We mean dead!” he said, setting up a klaxon horn next to the prone body of Mr. Mays.

“So dead that even this mega-decibel klaxon horn won’t wake him up!”

And as millions of distraught television viewers hopefully watched, the powerful horn vibrated the coffin, but Mr. Mays did not stir. “That’s dead, friends,” said the spokesperson. “Even this amazing Resurrect-O spray, which brings to life wilted fruits and vegetables and makes your tattered winter coat glow like new, won’t do the trick.”

Indeed, after liberally spraying Mr. Mays’s body, he remained pallid and lifeless, although his pine coffin transformed into a gleaming ebony casket.

Mr. Mays is survived by millions of Vega-matics and space age bonding agents residing on pantry shelves, under kitchen sinks and in garages. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that admirers of Mr. Mays make a modest donation to the Billy Mays Trust Fund for Needy Believers and Kids Who Need Last Minute Mother’s and Father’s Day Gifts.

“Because Billy devoted his life to making the lives better for millions of low to moderate income Americans,” said a family spokesperson, “We are asking everyone to send just a modest donation and to include $39.99 for shipping and handling.”

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