Whirled News Ticker Tape

More details emerged about the meeting between President-elect Barack Obama and former opponent John McCain. “Barack kept him sitting there for a three-and-a-half hour, seemingly cordial conversation,” chucked a staff member. “By the end of hour two, McCain was shifting and squirming, and during the third hour you could see the dark stain growing on the front of his pants.”

In other news, concern mounted about the growing epidemic of hijacking in which huge oil tankers and other merchandise are being seized by pirates who then sell the shipments back, accumulating obscene wealth and building huge mansions. “Something must be done about the international corporations, traders and CEOs, before they drain away the world’s entire wealth into their own coffers,” warned an independent economist. Alarmed and outraged congressional leaders summoned the CEOs of Detroit’s Once Big Three automakers for a hearing yesterday. The three CEOs testified for nearly an hour before breaking for lunch and eating the identical lunch as CEOs from the nation’s largest banks at last week’s hearing. They walked into the visitors’ gallery and sunk their teeth into the necks of onlookers.

As the economic picture darkened, Obama’s transition team announced that the President-elect planned to roll out his new economic plan on day one of his presidency. “We’ve been looking at the economy that Obama’s going to inherit from President Bush, and we’re studying what we can do,” said a leader of the economic transition team. At yesterday’s meeting, the team watched the scene from Charlie Chaplin’s The Gold Rush five times in a row where Chaplain eats a lavish meal consisting of an old boot. “We think there’s something there we can use,” the spokesperson said.

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