Republicans Reveal New Economic Recovery Plan

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Representative John Boehner (R-OH) and a team of Republican economist strategists released their own plan for economic recovery today.

“Our earlier two plans were criticized for a lack of new ideas,” they said in a joint statement, “This new plan addresses that concern and provides a fresh blueprint to lead our nation into economic recovery and beyond.”

The cornerstone of the plan calls for allowing failing auto manufacturers and financial institutions to buy up all available stockpiles of the anti-viral medications Tamiflu and Relenza at below cost and then resell them at reasonable markups to the public.

“We must act quickly,” said McConnell, “As our bloated federal government has already let about a quarter of our nation’s stockpiles slip through its fingertips and given it to states for free, and history tells us that we can expect the same financially irresponsible and profligate action from many states.”

McConnell speculated that, while they’re trying to pass their new plan, the Republican National Committee might seek an emergency injunction prohibiting states from giving the anti-viral medications away for free.

“These anti-viral medications cost our private industries millions of dollars to develop, and giving them away for free sends the wrong message to private enterprise,” McConnell added.

Asked whether allowing automobile manufacturers and financial institutions to buy the medications at below cost also discouraged private enterprise, McConnell pointed to the second part of the plan, which called for billion dollar Patriotism Incentivization Payments to pharmaceutical companies to compensate for their contribution to the economic recovery package.

“Unlike government bailouts, which come with all kinds of strings attached and have horrible connotations,” said McConnell, “Patriotism Incentivization Payments reward patriotism. Instead of seeding further dependency and greed with bailouts, our Patriotism Incentivization Payments seed further patriotism, and in the end that benefits every American.”

Asked whether it wasn’t the federal and state governments’ responsibility to make medications available to everyone who needs it, rather than only to those who can afford it, McConnell pointed out that giving away anti-viral medications to the poor only increases their immune systems’ dependency on outside help.

“Where does it end?” he asked, “If we never give their immune systems a chance to develop their own strengths, they will forever be dependent upon government handouts. It’s time to end the kind of paternalism that keeps poor people trapped in a cycle of helplessness and life.”

“The current distribution scheme of the wasteful Federal government shows exactly why private enterprise is the only route out of these difficult economic times, which we would never have gotten into if the government hadn’t kept scaring our nation’s financial institutions and investors by threatening to someday regulate them a little bit,” stated Boehner, “By allowing our giant industries and financial institutions to take control of anti-viral medications and sell directly to the public, we eliminate the costly and inefficient government middle-man. Swine flu isn’t the problem; big government is.”

Pressed for more specifics on their plan, including what a “reasonable markup” would be for reselling the medications, McConnell and Boehner insisted that the market would be the best determinant.

“If we get into the business of setting profit margins,” said Boehner, “We’re back to the same old threats of government regulation that got us into this economic morass in the first place.”

Other components of the plan included larger and permanent tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of the country who controls only 98 percent of the wealth.

“We’re asking these people to take on an enormous burden,” said McConnell. “They’re taking on the responsibility of administering crucial medications during a global pandemic, and we need for them to be able to concentrate on the task at hand instead of worrying about how to continue to take financial care of their own families. After all, some day their own children will assume their mantle of patriotic and social responsibility, so we need to take care of them now. This is a forward looking plan.”

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