Republicans Reveal Economic Stimulus, Healthcare Plans

Reacting to criticism that they are offering only negativity and the same failed solutions to America’s economic and healthcare crises, Republicans today unveiled their own plan.

“This plan represents the forward-thinking of the Republican Party and its commitment to bettering the lives of millions of poor and working class Americans,” said a joint communiqué by Republican National Party Chairman Michael Steelhart and Republican Social Policy Chairman Robert Baron

“The Republican Healthcare for Everyone, Less Losers plan (HELLp) highlights freedom of choice for any type of health care, excluding murderous abortions,” said Steelhart. “In addition, it offers cost-savings and has an economic stimulus component.”

The cornerstone of the plan is the Cut-Cut provision, which grants anyone seeing a doctor for any injury or illness treatable by amputation, including infected hangnails or broken bones, the choice of conventional treatment for the usual higher medical charges given to people without health insurance, or outpatient amputation, which would be accompanied by a one time tax cut and either a free hook or a wooden leg, depending upon the limb.

“This plan incentivizes choosing the lower cost medical treatment by providing an economic stimulus, which will help the economy, and it controls costs by eliminating needless tests, expensive medications, and expensive disease chronicity. But at the same time it does not mandate treatment, thus respecting the traditional doctor-patient medical decision-making. If people want to pay for the higher price, non-amputation treatments and forego the extra cash incentive, they’re absolutely free to choose it,” said Baron.

Steelhart and Baron emphasized that the plan is a perfect example of Republican long-range planning.

“HELLp shows that rather than being the party of short-term planning and greed, the Republican Party has been preparing the way for comprehensive and universal healthcare reform for the last eight years,” said Baron, “By creating a growing number of uninsured and economically deprived, we have finally created a vast pool of eligible participants for HELLp. Not only will this enlist millions of people in the campaign to cut health care costs, but it will also ensure that they are eligible for tax cuts, which remains the only thing that will cure our current economic difficulties which have been caused by Democrats who have continually tried to water down our tax cur proposals with their biggovernmenttaxandspend ideas.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindall, who delivered last night’s rousing rebuttal to President Obama’s joint Congressional address, welcomed the new plan.

“I like this plan very much,” he said. “I think it is a very good plan, very good, in fact very, very nice. Within a few years of this plan, our city of New Orleans will look more like Calcutta.”

Asked whether he was alluding to streets filled with thousands of people with amputated limbs living in tin shacks and cardboard boxes, the Governor replied, “No, no. I am thinking of a caste system.”


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