Obama Applauds Spanish Inaction on War Crimes

Candido Conde-Pumpido, Spain’s Attorney General, announced today that he would not support his country’s investigation against United States officials for war crimes.

“The original decision to investigate United States officials such as George Bush, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzalez for the war crime of ordering and condoning torture was not in full possession of certain facts which present extenuating circumstances,” he said, “Subsequent investigation found that the supposed victims were Muslim infidels.”

Conde-Pumpido cited precedents in Spanish law supporting his position that dated back to the Inquisition and have continued through Generalissimo Franco and to recent treatment of Basque separatists.

“Torture is not always torture,” said Conde-Pumpido, “It is occasionally an instrument of salvation for both the potential victims and the perpetrators. Indeed, under certain circumstances, torture may be seen as an extreme instrument of mercy.”

President Obama, who has announced he will not seek prosecution of CIA operatives who tortured, welcomed the Spanish decision.

“This sure takes heat off my ass,” he said.

To further cool passions, the President, even as he authorized releasing memos that detailed the Bush administration’s methods of, and quasi-legal rationales for, torture, announced that he would not seek legal action against CIA torturers and their psychologist aides.

“Presidents must make the difficult decisions to exercise moral leadership,” he said, “And if you remember what happened to President Kennedy when he angered the CIA, it’s clear that were I to condone legal action against certain CIA operatives, I wouldn’t be around long enough to exercise moral leadership on the issues that matter to most Americans. What kind of example would that set for Sasha and Malia?”

Meanwhile, former Vice President Cheney also applauded the Spanish decision.

“Today, the Spanish government has taken steps which make us much safer,” he said.

The upbeat press conference, however, was marred by an unfortunate accident when a reporter who asked who the Vice President meant by “us,” was killed in an automobile crash on his way back from the press conference. Upon learning of the accident, the former Vice-President said, “Mrs. Cheney and I sincerely regret the loss of a life, even that of a reporter who asks questions.”

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