Neocons Seek Protection as Endangered Species

Showing their characteristic lack of irony, leading neoconservatives today sought emergency protection as an endangered species from the Environmental Protection Agency which they worked for years to destroy. “Our numbers have dropped rapidly since November,” said leading neocon spokesperson Mynah Camph, “and after January 20th, we’re threatened with the loss of our natural habitat.”

In addition to losing their habitat, neocons also listed other reasons threatening their existence, including possible prosecution for war crimes, and the unlikelihood that President Bush will be able to survive outside of the White House. “Cheney is tough enough to continue to shoot or eat his natural predators,” said the spokesperson, “but with Cheney too old to procreate, and his daughter unlikely to, that leaves a critically small pool of others left. And there is very real concern that George Bush is too stupid to survive on his own.”

Not all neocons agreed with the plea for EPA protection. “We don’t believe that government should be the first solution to any problem,” said neocon leader Will N. Hammer. “We think the solution is to destroy the government before you ask it for help.” Hammer advocated that instead of petitioning the EPA, neocons should merely march in and take the other half of the $750 billion bailout money. “The way that Wall Street made a nakedly greedy power grab for that money was outrageous,” said Hammer. “They stole our playbook and took the cash from right under our nose.”

The EPA reportedly offered to declare the projected George Bush library as a protected natural habitat for neocons, but Camph pointed out that declaring a library a natural habitat for neocons was like “sending the Cherokee Indians from their native swamps and forests into the arid Oklahoma desert to live.” In addition, Camph pointed out, the George Bush library is likely to be too small. “How can we cram all the neons into one small room?” she asked.

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